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Emotional Resurrect

April 2, 2013

I just realized that I had actually linked this blog to my Facebook and that I had forgotten about this blog until I noticed it on my profile yesterday.

Sometimes, things would just happen for a reason. Many years back, I wrote a blog with numerous entries when I was going through a rough patch in life. Writing seem to have the effect of reducing some of these invisible burdens that had made me gone through those years with heavy footsteps. After those years, I started a few blogs mainly to record incidents in my life, be it minor or major. Today, I guess I am going to resurrect this blog with an emotional entry with the hopes that it would take off some load off my shoulders.

Warning – The below entry depicts a very raw side of me. Do not proceed further if you cannot handle knowing me in a different way.

For the past 7 days, my life has been nothing but mundane. I had just extracted 4 of my wisdom tooth last week and today is the 7th day of my hospital leave. Days was spent at home, suffering from the headaches and resting. Food was plain and the mode of consuming was just swallowing.

What stress could I have based on this 7 days, right? But somehow I feel emotional today. I feel lonely. I feel alone. I feel empty. Suddenly I thought of my ex. The time when she cut herself on her hands. She said she wanted to feel human again when I asked why does she have to cut herself? To feel human again? What is that suppose to mean? But today… I believe I can understand that meaning.

I would not cut myself, I would like to feel like a human again. The happy-go-lucky guy which everyone see, is actually feeling very empty inside. But who would know? Who would understand? I tried to be strong for myself. But no matter now strong one might be, there would be a day when he cannot handle the entire load that he is carrying. I feel I am on the verge of that.

I know what I should do to get myself out of this emotional state. I should join some interest group to divert my mind. Find some activities to occupy the mind so that it won’t think too much. Go out with people and talk to people.

I did. I told myself to be a YES man. I went out when my friend asked me out. I went to this art jamming located in Mandarin Gallery to relax my mind. I went for a photoshoot to relax and feel good about myself. But after each single activity, the sense of loneliness and emptiness would never fail to come back to me.

Perhaps I am yearning for that someone. Someone whom I can hold the hands when I am feeling weak. Someone to protect while I stay strong. Someone who I can relate to and to be the someone she can relate to. Is it because of the loneliness? Or is it because of the emptiness? I can’t understand myself. 

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